Jack Bauer, “24,” Googly, Appel, and Analytics

Ever watch the television serial “24” starring Kiefer Sutherland, the never-smiling Jack Bauer and counterterrorism agent? Although the network claims the show is ending with its final show this week, don’t believe it. Jack Bauer can be hooked up to power cables and never confess, but I was able to get the truth out of him.

Here is a sneak preview next season’s script for “24.” The easy plot twists have already been used in prior “24” seasons. Nuclear weapons. Ebola-type virus. Government corruption. This plot twist involves techie conspirators.

“24” – The Next Season

The following takes place in real time in 2017.

08:27:04.37 ….

Competition has become fierce between two IT titans: Googly with its software and Appel with its hardware. The two giants have begun to introduce new products that cross over into each other’s space. Googly is now developing a voice-activated device with earphones where you ask it any question and it “tells” you audibly the best answers – rank-ordered. In the other corner of this brawl, Appel is developing a device that inserts into an easily implantable plug attached to one’s brain. The surgery is painless, takes only five minutes, costs $19, and can be done at local drugstores like at Walgreens or CVS. It’s creepy, but focus group market tests have validated that this product will be hotter than every i-product collectively. Its easily accessible archived film and music library includes every film frame and musical note in existence.

Evil techie plotters from Iceland are planning to steal both Googly’s and Appel’s designs and combine the two devices into a single one. They will sell it under a new brand name. These Iceland techies are both nationalistically zealot-like and altruistic. They want to offset the reputational damage their country inflicted on the world economic system from their reckless banks and volcanic ash clouds. At this moment in time the techies are penetrating both Googly’s and Appel’s presumably impenetrable R&D facilities to steal the new designs. How are they gaining access? Who knows? They are techies!

12:24:44.12 ….

Back at the techie’s headquarters in Reykjavik, Iceland their secret start-up company’s business analysts have lots of work to accomplish. There is little doubt that the Iceland techie hackers will successfully steal Googly’s and Appel’s designs. With those designs in hand, combining them and outsourcing the design and production of the devices will easily be done by outsourcing its manufacturing in China. China is still somewhat lawless in 2017.

The challenge to the techie’s company is its marketing, production, and cash flow plans. Their business analysts are furiously busy day and night. Special espresso coffee has been shipped in from Iceland’s once motherland, Denmark.

14:19:52.21 ….

Jack Bauer has become aware of the theft. He was tipped off by his 12 year old step-son of his now fourth wife in the “24” series. The kid overheard the Iceland plotters when he was hacking into the USA’s National Security Agency (NSA) communication networks. He told Bauer, “Hey Jack! These guys are gonna steal some product designs from Googly and Appel.” Jack immediately drives his Prius to Googly’s headquarters.

16:51:18.11 ….

Jack’s stepson redirects his hacking to the Iceland start-up company’s headquarters. What he hears, sees, and learns is in his words, “Awesome.” The techie firm’s marketing analysts have determined every micro-segment and consumer demand for the “combined” product. They have calculated the exact offering prices, discounts, and add-ons for every potential customer on the planet earth. The production team has optimized the distribution channel schedules for delivery dates and service levels (negotiating the lowest prices with UPS, DHL, and FedEx) for every single potential global customer. The finance team has optimized the calculations of product, channel, and customer profitability to optimize the ROI of the private equity investors for the Iceland start-up. The start-up has mastered hyper-advanced analytics!

Jack’s stepson calls Bauer again. He says to Jack, “It’s like Microsoft’s Steve Balmer’s eureka moment in the 1990s when visiting Cornell University to observe that all students on campus are connected via the Internet. Balmer says to Bill Gates, ‘Cornell is wired!’ A huge Microsoft strategy change resulted. Well, Jack, the Iceland start-up might take Googly and Appel into bankruptcy.”

16:21:14.21 ….

Jack Bauer goes to a seedy Los Angeles bar and ponders what his stepson has told him. Jack is frustrated. He can save the President of the USA but can’t handle his own 16 year old daughter. What is he to do?

Epilogue

Jack Bauer weasels his way into investing with the private equity firm investors of the Iceland start-up. He short sells Googly and Appel stock assuming they will begin to fail and their stock prices crash.

These outcomes all actually happened. The Iceland start-up becomes the global rage. Its new products have fanatical customers who line up days before retail stores start selling them at midnight.

Jack Bauer becomes an obscenely wealthy billionaire from his inside trading and astute short selling. Bauer concludes that all this counter terrorist chasing is way too dangerous. He retires. The “24” series finally really ends.

Concluding message: Help your organization get analytical. Then move them higher to advanced business analytics. Retire early.